The Aerie
Well we're halfway through! One more month to go and the world returns to life.
My spouse said to me last night, "Okay, I'm tired of the cold now." She's a romantic, she can find charm in anything. We could be pinned down in a ditch by gunfire, and she'd say "This is JUST like a book I read..." But just like the gunfire, the cold eventually wore through even her patience.
The Work-life-heath routine is getting worked out. I'm waking now at about 5:30 a.m. in order to get to work in time for morning meetings, and getting to sleep around 10:30 or 11. Not ideal but could be worse.
I've started to make SOME headway on the college homework after my professor granted me an extension. He apparently like me referring to the hydrogen atom as 'the trollop of the atomic world' because it binds to two different oxygen atoms for two different reasons, which I compared to love and lust. On good days I manage to get to the gym before work - on bad days, like today, I get to work on time.
Otherwise nothing exciting to report. My biggest accmoplishment in January was when I spontaneously decided to install a light switch in the laundry room after 16 years of staggering through the dark groping for the pull-chain.
I certainly didn't blog as much as I'd've liked, nor did I get any writing done. I'm hoping to get somewhere on my college work, and I got to the gym a couple of times. Sigh. So many "should's, so little time..
And now... on to February!
Ah, here we are, mid-Slog, starting the last week of January. We've weathered one bitterly cold snap, now we're in for our January Thaw. The air will briefly contain some humidity, skin may temporarily stop itching, and slush may replace ice as the basis for slippery footing. You can always tell when the January Thaw is on its way, because the St. Paul Winter Carnaval ice sculptors are getting to work.
Went out with The Boy yesterday, had a great evening. Everything went perfectly, which was weird but pleasant. What I mean by perfectly is, we got to the watch store at 5:59 and learned it closed at 6:00. After the watch got fixed, we went next door to the vietnamese restaurant, had dinner. Got to the movie right when the previews were starting. After the movie got back to the restaurant to retrieve my hat just as the restaurant was about to close. Then we went to the professor's where The Boy became the newest member of the Tekumel Thursday Night Group.
The movie we saw was Cloverfield, which was terrific. It was exactly what I expected it to be, which is saying something. Usually I get an impression of the movie from the previews, but the movie turns out different from what I expected. In this case Cloverfield was exactly what I thought it would be. Lots of fun.
Okay, I'm trying to write shorter (and more frequent) entries, so this is enough for now. Go see Cloverfield!
I've been thoroughly depressed lately, which I attribute to being in the midst of The Slog, the long relentless slate-gray days of January and February. Fortunately while my mood has been glum, circumstances have been good, so I've had the freedom to indulge in a massive funk without ending up spending the day curled up in a corner.
Saturday when I was casting about looking for ways to procrastinate on my obligations I was reminded that there was matinee for Avenue Q at the State Theater. My daughter had expressed an interest in seeing it, so I threw her into the trunk of the car and we headed off to see if we could score Student Rush tickets.
Success!
Avenue Q was hilarious and sick: imagine the most perverted parody of Sesame Street, and that's basically Avenue Q. Bert and Ernie, pardon, Rod and Nikky, have a plotline in which Bert throws Ernie out of the apartment for suggesting that Bert is gay. And the Cookie Monster - called "Trekkie Monster" - chimes in that "the Internet is for p orn." The play features puppet sex and a stern old lady named Mrs. Thistletwat, and is most defintely NOT for kids...
After Avenue Q we picked up my spouse and went to Midori's for a sushi dinner that was a Christmas present to our daughter. She's very interested in all things Japanese, and entertained us with Japanese words and trying to read ideograms on the menu. We all had a great time sharing octopus appetizers and roasted eel sushi and the like.
Then we dropped off my wife and I took my daughter along on a computer service housecall, where she passed the time drawing a self-portrait. No, not that one, that's just the one she has on line.
(Unfortunately I got called back to that same house today to further fix their computer - apparently their e-mail was provided by some stupid Start Menu widget that linked them to MSN Mail. Removing the spyware and viruses they had installed on their computer broke the widget, and since I wasn't familiar with that means of reading e-mail I hadn't known to fix it on Saturday. This morning they call me (they couldn't call yesterday?) at 8:00 a.m. to fix it. So I did, but then they objected to paying for my time despite at first offering to do so, and despite my having taken time off from work to address their problem. So I think I'm done working with them.)
After the computer stop we hung out at the Blue Moon for a bit.
Sunday was a long morning at church, where I worked on my laptop, then home where the laundry room light had broken the day before. I started to replace the pull-chain fixture, but then recognizing an opportunity to further procrastinate, I spent $50 at the hardware store and set about replacing the pull-chain fixture with a light switch. We've lived in this house for over sixteen years, so this is a long-desired modification. The light switch works great.
Then it was off to a party for our friend D's new boyfriend. We're thrilled for her finally finding someone who seems to suit her, so it was nice to visit his party. Unfortunately for me I started getting very anxious and jumpy at the party, due on the one hand to the crowding (I'm a bit of an introvert) and on the other hand to my successful weekend-long exercise in procrastination. So after a short hour I made my excuses and walked home, leaving my family to enjoy the celebration.
It took me till 1:00 a.m. to do it, but I finally got my University of Minnesota begging letter finished for delivery this morning, Hopefully the professor will grant me an extension of my class, but I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't...
Now it's 2:30 in the afternoon at work, and I've successfully avoided getting anything accomplished, so I guess it's time to declare the weekend officially OVER and set about getting to work...
The news is grim. A married couple discovers that they are twin siblings. Is this what it takes to change the antiquated, unjust practice of denying adult adoptees their personal information?
Adult citizens who were adopted in infancy are prohibited by laws, traditions, and the arbitrary whim of social services caseworkers from having access to information about our birthparents. The argument used most frequently to support this practice is "to protect the privacy of the birthmother."
The real reason is "to protect the agency."
In my own case, the agency caseworker tried to prevent me from locating my birthparents despite a court order to assist with my search. After I located my birthfather I discovered that his uncle, a monsignor in the church, had advanced my placement through the agency so as to quickly cover up his nephew's "shame." My adoptive parents were in line to get another child when they were notified that I was immediately available.
Challenging these practices and trying to change these laws can be hazardous. Anyone who works in family law can tell you there is no realm more emotionally charged than the workings of familes, and attempting to address this issue frequently aggravates the unresolved pain of people who are part of the Adoption Triad of adoptees, adoptive parents, birthparents. Some people are members of two and even all three groups. Include in the adoption triad the friends and loved ones of triad members, and you've pretty much covered the entire population.
So much secrecy surrounds members of the Adoption Triad that firm numbers are hard to come by, but the fact is that many more people are Triad members than one might initially suspect, and not all are open about their family histories. Some people harbor deep, unresolved pain that can erupt when faced with discussions surrounding adoption issues, making this a particularly hazardous topic to explore.
But it must be explored, because everyone in the Adoption Triad suffers from the ongoing secrecy surrounding adoption. Adoptees have our complaints of course, like possibly marrying our siblings, or dying because we can't find suitable donor organs from blood relatives. But birthparents and adoptive parents are ill-served, too. Both sets of parents are discouraged from thinking about -- processing, in modern parlance -- their feelings regarding the adoption, their insecurities, anything. They are encouraged to be complicit in keeping secrets. Birthparents are discouraged from grieving the child they surrendered, or from worrying about the child's welfare after placement. Adoptive parents are discouraged from supporting their child's natural curiosity, or from dealing with their own insecurities about the adoption.
And to whose benefit? The agencies. Now of course there are good and honest and open adoption agencies - the great majority, no doubt. But there are always bad apples, there are always the corrupt and the abusive, and secrecy serves these agencies. Are relinquished children being received, cared for, and processed in a legal,ethical, moral and safe manner? Are birthmothers being treated with respect and care, or as if they were the packaging on a product shipment? Nobody knows, because the workings of the agencies are secret. Especially overseas.
Is this how it should work? Should the adoptive system be transparent and subject to extensive oversight, or should it be closed and based on a "just trust us" attitude?
Encouraging secrecy in adoption serves the interests of the worst agencies, and does not serve the best interests of anyone in the adoptive triad. Are babies being bought and sold like commodities? Are twins being arbitrarily separated? Are the intentions of the birthmother being observed as regards placement, or future contact? Nobody knows. If a birthmother requested that the child be allowed to contact her as of age 16, but the agency refuses to reveal that and keeps the records closed, who would know this, and how?
So we have these twins in Britain who discover that they have been committing incest, and the person with whom they have fallen in love is the one person in the world with whom they can never have a family. Tragic. And who is served? The agency that placed them. It's not being held accountable.
But even in a less dreadful case than these twins, secrecy of records is still wrong. If you're an adult and you were adopted as a child, you didn't agree to the curtailment of your rights. Adoptees didn't agree to surrender the right to know about their birthfamilies in exchange for being placed in the care of a loving family. The care of a loving family is the birthright of all infants, they can't be asked to relinquish any rights in exchange for care. And as adults, they certainly can't be held to such an agreement, made when they were infants.
Closed records are unjust. They infringe on the rights of adoptees and place them at greater risk of inherited diseases about which they are ignorant. In my own case, my adoptive records said my birthmothers' mother was in the hospital with cancer when I was born. The truth is that everyone in my birthmother's immediate family died of alcoholism... but one didn't talk about "such things" back then. I was at tremendous risk of alcoholism. Nowadays I tell my children about this risk, and tell them "You may decided to try alcohol or drugs just once, just to see what it's like, and find yourself unable to stop."
I couldn't inform them of this risk if I hadn't searched, and found.
Secrecy does not serve the birthparents, who are discouraged from dealing with the trauma of relinquishment. And closed records are a wedge between the adoptive parents and their child, turning adoptive parents into agents of closed records rather than advocates of their child's interests.
No, closed records ONLY serve the adoption agencies, specifically those adoption agencies whose practices would not survive close scrutiny. It is high time that recognize that secrets and lies serve nobody's interests except the powerful and corrupt, and open up records for all adult citizens who were adopted as children.
Oh, hi there. Yeah, almost a month this time. Actually I did have a couple blog entries I started, but then time got hold of me and off I went. I included the half-written one after the jump just as proof, it's from 12/17.
The Holiday madness is over, now, and we have entered The Slog - the long, grim, nine-week campaign across the featureless Arctic desert of January and February. The only consolation is the goal - the sultry slushy days of March, and the hysterical greenery of April.
Christmas went pretty well. No major family catastrophes to report. Christmas Eve we spent at my sister-in-law's. Despite her husband hiding upstairs with stomach flu, none of us contracted it across the next week, so his self-imposed quarantine must have worked.
Christmas Day we got to my family's place early. I endured the usual avalanche of gifts under my mother's tree by spending much of my time updating and fixing the laptop I gave her last Christmas. Applying security patches and program updates took hours.
And we had the Best New Year's Eve Ever. Our friend Z threw a party in her new and absolutely gorgeous house, and T and I actually stayed out dancing til 2:30 in the morning! Amazing!
As far as Resolutions go, this year's is a little unusual. I make resolutions some years, and some years I don't. In 2000 my resolution was to Not Give In To Fear, which had to do with being given a challenging new role at my last job. This year's resolution is similar: this year I've decided to Go Towards the Fear. In other words, not stuff it down, not avoid it, not act in spite of it, but to actually examine the things that make me afraid and try to understand them.
Meanwhile I have to pick up the rubble of my 2007 attempts at returning to college, to say nothing of my financial picture, and maybe even improving my health!
So welcome to 2008. Hopefully the Presidential elections won't drive us all insane, and by this time next year the whole world will be a better place. Meanwhile if you want to read a half-written entry from December 17th, it's below...
------12/17/2008-----
Ah full-time employment, it makes the weeks pass so quickly. 'Course that's what drives me crazy about it - yes I need to make money to support the family, but time accelerates so quickly that I start to get motion-sickness. Any chore that i put off never gets done - heck if i don't fill the car when it's a quarter down from full, the tank is suddenly empty.
I suddenly have a few minutes to blog because a meeting at work cancelled, otherwise I'd go from meeting to meeting to the car to another meeting to home to dinner to bed.
This weekend passed quickly. On Friday I took my daughter for Dad 'n Kid day, we did some Christmas shopping and went to see Enchanted. That was a fun film, I about laughed my head off, particularly during the apartment-cleaning scene. Saturday I took my youngest out and he picked up a couple of presents.
And Sunday went zoom-zoom-zoom from home to church to piano recital to the Christmas tree farm. We got a fresh tree, too - it was sucking up water like a camel within minutes of being put in the stand.
Things are gearing up for Christmas, I ...