The Aerie

Married couple discovers they are adopted

The news is grim. A married couple discovers that they are twin siblings. Is this what it takes to change the antiquated, unjust practice of denying adult adoptees their personal information?

Adult citizens who were adopted in infancy are prohibited by laws, traditions, and the arbitrary whim of social services caseworkers from having access to information about our birthparents. The argument used most frequently to support this practice is "to protect the privacy of the birthmother."

The real reason is "to protect the agency."

In my own case, the agency caseworker tried to prevent me from locating my birthparents despite a court order to assist with my search. After I located my birthfather I discovered that his uncle, a monsignor in the church, had advanced my placement through the agency so as to quickly cover up his nephew's "shame." My adoptive parents were in line to get another child when they were notified that I was immediately available.

Challenging these practices and trying to change these laws can be hazardous. Anyone who works in family law can tell you there is no realm more emotionally charged than the workings of familes, and attempting to address this issue frequently aggravates the unresolved pain of people who are part of the Adoption Triad of adoptees, adoptive parents, birthparents. Some people are members of two and even all three groups. Include in the adoption triad the friends and loved ones of triad members, and you've pretty much covered the entire population.

So much secrecy surrounds members of the Adoption Triad that firm numbers are hard to come by, but the fact is that many more people are Triad members than one might initially suspect, and not all are open about their family histories. Some people harbor deep, unresolved pain that can erupt when faced with discussions surrounding adoption issues, making this a particularly hazardous topic to explore.

But it must be explored, because everyone in the Adoption Triad suffers from the ongoing secrecy surrounding adoption. Adoptees have our complaints of course, like possibly marrying our siblings, or dying because we can't find suitable donor organs from blood relatives. But birthparents and adoptive parents are ill-served, too. Both sets of parents are discouraged from thinking about -- processing, in modern parlance -- their feelings regarding the adoption, their insecurities, anything. They are encouraged to be complicit in keeping secrets. Birthparents are discouraged from grieving the child they surrendered, or from worrying about the child's welfare after placement. Adoptive parents are discouraged from supporting their child's natural curiosity, or from dealing with their own insecurities about the adoption.

And to whose benefit? The agencies. Now of course there are good and honest and open adoption agencies - the great majority, no doubt. But there are always bad apples, there are always the corrupt and the abusive, and secrecy serves these agencies. Are relinquished children being received, cared for, and processed in a legal,ethical, moral and safe manner? Are birthmothers being treated with respect and care, or as if they were the packaging on a product shipment? Nobody knows, because the workings of the agencies are secret. Especially overseas.

Is this how it should work? Should the adoptive system be transparent and subject to extensive oversight, or should it be closed and based on a "just trust us" attitude?

Encouraging secrecy in adoption serves the interests of the worst agencies, and does not serve the best interests of anyone in the adoptive triad. Are babies being bought and sold like commodities? Are twins being arbitrarily separated? Are the intentions of the birthmother being observed as regards placement, or future contact? Nobody knows. If a birthmother requested that the child be allowed to contact her as of age 16, but the agency refuses to reveal that and keeps the records closed, who would know this, and how?

So we have these twins in Britain who discover that they have been committing incest, and the person with whom they have fallen in love is the one person in the world with whom they can never have a family. Tragic. And who is served? The agency that placed them. It's not being held accountable.

But even in a less dreadful case than these twins, secrecy of records is still wrong. If you're an adult and you were adopted as a child, you didn't agree to the curtailment of your rights. Adoptees didn't agree to surrender the right to know about their birthfamilies in exchange for being placed in the care of a loving family. The care of a loving family is the birthright of all infants, they can't be asked to relinquish any rights in exchange for care. And as adults, they certainly can't be held to such an agreement, made when they were infants.

Closed records are unjust. They infringe on the rights of adoptees and place them at greater risk of inherited diseases about which they are ignorant. In my own case, my adoptive records said my birthmothers' mother was in the hospital with cancer when I was born. The truth is that everyone in my birthmother's immediate family died of alcoholism... but one didn't talk about "such things" back then. I was at tremendous risk of alcoholism. Nowadays I tell my children about this risk, and tell them "You may decided to try alcohol or drugs just once, just to see what it's like, and find yourself unable to stop."

I couldn't inform them of this risk if I hadn't searched, and found.

Secrecy does not serve the birthparents, who are discouraged from dealing with the trauma of relinquishment. And closed records are a wedge between the adoptive parents and their child, turning adoptive parents into agents of closed records rather than advocates of their child's interests.

No, closed records ONLY serve the adoption agencies, specifically those adoption agencies whose practices would not survive close scrutiny. It is high time that recognize that secrets and lies serve nobody's interests except the powerful and corrupt, and open up records for all adult citizens who were adopted as children.

Posted by Albatross at January 11, 2008 2:38 PM | TrackBack