The Aerie

Why I Don't Fit In

I think this is an example of why I just don't fit in almost anywhere that I go. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe everybody does this. But I think the fact that I don't know if this is normal is yet another clue as to why I don't fit in.

In order to save money at work I bought myself some coffee on a 2-for-1 sale at the nearby Lunds. By the way, everybody should shop at Lunds. I say this because one of the Lunds family is a very generous supporting member of our church, and she is not only generous and supporting, she's also tremendously cool and teaches Religious Ed with my spouse. So I am happy to support Lunds if, in the end, some of that support trickles down to her, and then on to our church.

Better'n givin' it to Rainbow, and their parent company Loopy's or Froopy's or whatever it is. Although that IS where my mother and sister work... Fine but not Cub, avoid Cub. Well, except that's where my friend Keith works... okay fine, shop wherever you like! Sheesh!

ANYway, I had bought two half-pounds of coffee at Lunds in order to avoid having to pay $0.75 a cup at work. When you drink as much coffee as I do, it can add up. Especially if, like me, you rarely have any cash on hand.

So today I finished off the first bag, and with some difficulty managed to open up the second one without destroying it or the resealable sticky-tape on top. And what did I see, in the magical dimension inside the bag? I saw beans lotsa beans lotsa beans lotsa beans, yeah yeah. Yep, one of my two bags of coffee was not pre-ground.

Now, here's where a normal person would differ from me. A normal person would probably have shrugged, maybe cursed their luck, and settled for brewing a cup of green tea from the box in the drawer. And I thought about it, I really did. But what I wanted was a cup of coffee, not tea. And I had no money.

So it occurred to me that the only difference between ground coffee and bean coffee was the grinding part. And grinding is nothing more than a sort of systematic form of crushing. And truly, I could crush a coffee bean, couldn't I?

I poured a measure of beans into a filter, and folded it shut. Then I pinched one of the beans between my fingers. It cracked, but it was by no means ground, and if I was going to crush the beans this way I would end up with an unsatisfactory grind and very sore hands. I looked at my coffee cup, then back at the beans. Then I noted that the cup was both hard and round.

I laid another filter on top of the beans, and positioned my ceramic coffee cup sideways above the beans. Pressing down, I was rewarded with a satisfying crunch of beans pulverizing... almost grinding as a matter of fact. Unfortunately my desktop acted like a drum, amplifying and transmitting the crunch of the beans so that everyone nearby could hear it. That wouldn't do.

I tried putting the beans on a notepad on the floor, but the crushing sound was only slightly quieter.

Finally I stuffed the beans and filters into my coffee cup, and wandered off in search of an empty conference room. Spotting one I slipped inside and set up my impromptu mortar and pestle.

*Crunch*

*CRUNCH*

I peeked... grounds! There were still beans in there, but they were surrounded by what definitely looked like coffee grounds. I resumed rolling my ceramic mug on top of the beans: *Crunch* *crunch* *crunch* *crunch* *crunch.* Click!

Click?

There was somebody at the door to the conference room!

Fortunately they stood outside the room, hand on the latch, talking for a few precious seconds as I stuffed my filters and beans back into the coffee cup, picked up my notepad, and swept a few fragmented beans onto the floor. When they opened the door they found only me, notebook and innocent coffee cup (carefully held so my hand covered the opening), walking towards the door.

"Oh, I'm sorry, are you using this?" the woman said.

"No, just leaving," I smiled.

"It smells like coffee," said the man as I walked away.

I went back to my desk, and then set up my coffee maker in the kitchen and brewed up a pot. The verdict?

Coffee!

Unfortunately as I sit drinking my coffee I am developing a craving for a peanut-butter sandwich. But all I have is this jar of roasted peanuts...

Posted by Albatross at April 5, 2007 10:14 AM | TrackBack